This is a piece I wrote furiously fast, in the middle of the night, 2 years ago. I feel it is still valid and wanted to share it with any and all of my new readers. Enjoy!
For the first few years of my life it was just my mom and I. She had to go back to work when I was 4 weeks old, because she thought she should… She didn’t have the resources or support to know that it was such a crucial time for our relationship to blossom. We still to this day cannot just find that solid medium to bond as mother & daughter.
Fast forward 25 years, and tonight when I was speaking with her on the phone, she told me she now knows and realizes how bad she messed up back then. She regrets it everyday and carries that burden into everything she does. At first, my thought was “Well good. At least I know you have guilt”. But the more I sit here and think about that, the more it pains my heart. I couldn’t imagine not being close to my son. Not holding him and smelling his hair. Not getting down on the floor and being silly with books and toys. Not being the one to tuck him in at night. It must just eat at her heart. I told her tonight for the first time ” When we know better, we do better mom. I don’t hold my childhood against you. So please don’t let it turn your heart sad any longer.” She ended up changing the subject because, I think that was just too much emotion for her to handle at once. Hearing that it is okay to forgive herself and knowing that she did better with my younger brother, than she did with me, was just too much emotion.
The point of this blog post is, I want any momma who has regret, who has pain from mistakes they can’t take back or mommas who don’t have support and do whatever they feel is right without advice or help; it is OKAY to forgive. Forgive yourself. Forgive for not knowing the “right way”. Forgive yourselves and always know that you will do better next time. Do not live in the past aching over the “I wish … I should have…”. You can’t change your past.. You can only know in your heart that you will do better next time and always keep learning and evolving.
Most of all know that you are loved, even if you don’t love yourself right now. Your child is watching and studying everything you do. Not because of this or that, but because they love you and want to know you. So don’t let yourself wallow in pity and guilt. Release yourself from the heaviness of your burden, because you are worth more than being sad, and holding resentment towards yourself. You created life, mommas. You can keep on keepin’ on. You will keep learning and growing right along with your child. This post may seem strange to some, but to the others I hope it helps you on your road to peace.